Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
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A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
#winning