Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
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A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️