Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
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As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second