@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

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@Smooheed

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

@IronBiggie

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

@SortaBad

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

@Shariv67

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

@Storminika

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

@EWWWYUCKY

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.