@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

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@WilliamAder

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

@sunexplode

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

@YearOfRat

You can’t spell multitasking without tits. I forget where I was going with this.

@noog

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

@Quartzjixler

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

@Elizacal

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

@TEXASVETERAN

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.