Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
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It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.