Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
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My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.