ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
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Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
What my back needs
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I want to meet the individual who made this
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect