ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
You Might Also Like
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
This is painfully accurate 😅
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.