Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
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Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.