Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
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daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Nigella has gone too far this time.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u