me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
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Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”