me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
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Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.