Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!

*sniff* Don’t try to console me

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.