Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
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Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
There’s only one good girl here!
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.