Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous
*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
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My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-
Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
[Gets on one knee]
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.