ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
You Might Also Like
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now