Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
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Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
When I laugh on my period
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”