Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
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[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
😲 WTF? 😆
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime