ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
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I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press