Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
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SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.