Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

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I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.


Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.


Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy


zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment


My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra


Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.


Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.


I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.


*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*



*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer