@ThugRaccoons

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

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@milifeasdad

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

@aka_fatman

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

@AnOrangeSNES

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

@IndecisiveJones

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

@Smooheed

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

@Reverend_Scott

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

@trevso_electric

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

@jwoodham

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

@sad_tree

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer