Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
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If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
*puts my mental health in rice
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
That was easy.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”