ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
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Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.