Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
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Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Love is in the air fryer.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
rise and shine we got egg
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]