Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
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me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
yeah 😭
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.