@Heatinblack

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

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@RxitWounds

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

@VaguelyFunnyDan

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

@coolgirl0nline

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

@jonnysun

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

@Matt_The_1st

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

@TheCatWhisprer

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

@damakattack

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

@ristolable

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.

@david8hughes

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.