Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

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Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect


“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”


not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact


SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant


Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy


Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.


Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on


What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.


The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.