Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
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Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today