Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
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i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.