ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
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Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Same post same
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.