ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
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I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD