Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
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interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Digital security in Ancient Troy