ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

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If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.


*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”


A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.


this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes


I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.


When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!


2 things I hate;
2)and people who don’t finish anyth


I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?


i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator