ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
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The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)