Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
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This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?