ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
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I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
just witnessed a drug deal
accurate
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there