ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
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I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay