Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
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People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“