Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
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Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?