Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
You Might Also Like
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
man i love columbo
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire