Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
You Might Also Like
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Siri, fight Alexa.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags