Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

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so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder


An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.


“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.


A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”


New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!


Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself


I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.


I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days


Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away


[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*