Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
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British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.