@geowizzacist

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

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@gabbazaba

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

@TheDoorTHEDOOR

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

@FrenulumBreve

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

@IDontSpeakWhine

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

@dreamthievin

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

@tastefactory

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

@juneohara65

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

@kevinthedad

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

@karencheee

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

@Skoog

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*