Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
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Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist