Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
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I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
One cake enters. No cake leaves.