Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
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Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Ape together strong