Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
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You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
that de-escalated quickly
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Thrilling chase underway
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain