Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
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i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
do u think theres a butter planet?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY