Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
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Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame