Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
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anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
How to make infinite energy.