ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
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Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
wtf management?!
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.