Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
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Me: After all these years, I think Iâm still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Adding âscroll for two hoursâ to my To-Do list, so I wonât do it.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Adding âNoted muralistâ to Wile E. Coyoteâs Wikipedia page.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
[Job interview]
âCan you explain these gaps in your CV?â
âYes, theyâre so the words arenât all joined togetherâ *rolls eyes to self*
âOkay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. Youâll never get me Mike Hunt! Iâm taunting Mike Hunt. Timeâs running out, Iâm going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!â
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Hairdresser: whatâll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I just died đđđđđ
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope youâre not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldnât say âserialâ
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[watching paint dry]
âItâs just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he isâ
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably wonât regret this later
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockeyâŠ. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
âI hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversationsâ I said to my fiancĂ©, a propos of nothing, while en route to a cafĂ© to enjoy hors dâoeuvre and an apĂ©ritif.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to âJasonâs sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garageâ
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher