Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
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[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
*skinny dips into black hole
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.