me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
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My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
He-man has a Masters degree
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.