@thepunningman

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

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@yoyoha

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

@thedad

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

@lmwortho

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

@emptyheadtwo

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

@ArfMeasures

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

@daemonic3

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

@dhumann

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.