How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
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Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.